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Scoring my days out of ten . . .

. . . before putting them down and letting them go

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Name:
Catharsis
Location:
External Services:
  • miss_whiplash@livejournal.com
About me

I try to take a holistic approach to living - happiness is something we allow or deny ourselves and can have little to do with what is going on around us and all to do with our attitudes to it. Life is short but not static; change is inevitable and bring new experiences, some so small as to be undetectable, others large and requiring adjustment, some to be savoured, others just to be noted and a few just to be survived, examined, learned from and then let go. "Scoring my days out of ten before putting them down and letting them go." was a phrase my yoga teacher used to use to describe a philosphy that helps bring calm out of chaos. This journal is about me and part of my life's journey and the place I mark things then put them down to let them go or remember as I please. Sometimes I record dreams; they amuse me and sometimes give a clue to what might be bothering me subconciously. I do not believe in oneiromancy.

In 1997 I had a life changing event; under the burden of a number of stresses which I doubt I will ever fully identify and physically and emotionally exhausted I was driven to a nervous breakdown, a total loss of control. It left a legacy and made the difference between living my life as I believed other people felt I should, and realising that I had to be myself. At the time it was both devastating and enjoyable, now I would count it as an overall positive event; it sorted out my real friends from hangers on and stopped people who had been ignoring my clearly stated needs in their tracks. I managed to shed responsibilities that I had been handed without reference to my own needs and to which I was not suited.

In the process of recovering I learned quite painfully the damage that can be done in trying to be the person someone else wants you to be. I now believe nobody has the right to demand that of anyone. My guiding tenets in life have always been to be non-judgemental of others in their life-choices and open-minded to new ideas, the breakdown served to show me that I should accord the same courtesy to myself.

As I said above, it's fifteen years since I had the breakdown, and now, at last I don't feel that it was the biggest thing to happen to me in my life. A few years ago I met someone who gives me the emotional support I didn't have at the time of the breakdown. Someone who allows me to support him back. Slowly, I feel I'm starting to grow again. Together, sometimes quite painfully, we explore our attitudes with as much honesty with each other as we can manage with ourselves. It's hard but exhilarating.

Of late I've seen myself in a light I had never considered in my adult life despite the LJ name, a suggestion from one who wished it so and intended as a pun, I was suffering badly from an old whip-lash injury at the time. I had never seen myself as dominant. It seems others saw me that way far more readily than I could for myself. I'm enjoying exploring this side of myself and lucky enough to have friends who know me, help me and accept me as I explore who I might become.

About my friends
My friends are valuable and important to me. Mine are interesting people who have learned to live life for themselves, not to fill some role society chooses for them. I try to be non-judgemental of their life-choices, except where I feel they are harming themselves in some way, when I am confounded for a reaction. They are fewer than they once were, but also more precious. My real-life friends are people who accept me as I am and know they have nothing to fear from being self-honest with me. I now know that I need that self-honesty from my friends because I try to give it to them; if one of them asks me something and the answer has no bearing on the choices of another person I try to answer with as much honesty as I can answer the same question for myself. Doing that can be painful but rewarding.

I'd like to know who reads here, so if I don't know you and you want to say "Hi!" feel free to post a comment in the guestbook started in January 2008. Tell me who you are, how you came to be here and what you were looking for. If you want to be added to my friends list, this is the place to mention it and give me a reason to do so, I won't just add someone reciprocally as a friend. I expect there to be a reason; either a post in my guestbook or some other prior interaction. Guestbook comments are screened so unless you specify otherwise they will remain private.

If you are on my friends list I'll choose the level you will see depending on what I know about you, if you feel I show you too much, I'll remove you from some of my lists - just ask. If you used to be able to read more than you can now, that will be because I am in the habit of removing people from my friends list who have not posted in more than a year, and I will continue to do so. If you have been "unfriended", don't take it personally; I regard it as a matter of housekeeping, not one of how I regard you if I know you in life, you can always ask to be re-instated here. Posts there are screened by default. Friends are people who share their lives with me, here or in other arenas, and if you are no longer active on here you hardly need me as an LJ friend.

And almost finally
My tags list is linked from here because it is such a nuisance to find any other way. In the interest of keeping the tag list short the descriptors are usually quite general and many bad puns are employed. Enjoy!

At the moment it's like this here

While not an avid consumer of anything I watch these
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Last updated 30-11-2010


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